SOMETHING HILARIOUS HAPPENED THIS MORNING

By Ogbonnaya Amarachi

The yellow bus always has a way of relieving us of stress whenever the need arises with their hilarious, sometimes annoying drivers and conductors. They sure always know how to bring drama to the lives of Lagosians all the time.

Something hilarious happened today inside a yellow bus a.k.a Danfo I entered on my way out.
So, I entered this Orile-bound danfo with one yellow aunty like that with legs that looked like different ypes of bleaching creme has entered them as a result of testing them,  she was seated in  the middle row at the  extreme seat, while I at the back. On the way, another passenger entered and the conductor, (in their usual way) commanded her to "Shift," which aunty obeyed, the conductor, not feeling ok with the, "shifting," commanded her again, of which complained that she was at the edge of the seat and there was no more space, conductor was livid, he started shouting at her, and being an aunty who didn't want to carry last, she started her own shout, it became a battle of some sort as to who could shout more.

me, minding my business

The argument went somehow like this:

Aunty Yellow: Where do you want me to shift to?

Conductor: Shift jare (you know they can command for Africa)

Aunty Yellow: Its like you don't have respect for your elders and manner of approach

Conductor: koshi jor (yoruba slang for sharrap)

Aunty Yellow: (aunty didn'tknow what koshi meant) You better take your time

Conductor: you are stupid, mumu, ode (give them one, they give you ten in return) yamayama (yoruba slang again)

Aunty Yellow: (to no one in particular) they will have limited seat and want to carry a lot of people

Conductor: You no get sense, mumu ode

Aunty Yellow: I can see you don't have respect for your elders

Conductor: Na you be elder???? see as your body be, yamayama

Aunty Yellow: ehn how dare you insult me? your mother yamayama

Conductor: (the ultimate insult) Ashawo

Aunty Yellow: (starts cursing him)you will not live well you miserable man, for insulting me, you wont amount to anything good, am I not old enough to be your mother that you open that gutter mouth of yours to insult me before of seat? you wont die well (ahhhhhhhhh, me at this junction became concerned), when an elderly woman starts cursing you, it is time to keep shut and beg, he was at fault to start abusing her because of seat).


Conductor: (hisses) you no fit do anything, pay me my money, see as your skin be, you don bleach am finish, ashawo.

Aunty Yellow: Me pay you? come and collect money na

Conductor: If dem born you and your generation well, no give me my money.

Bus Driver: E don do (said it in yoruba, otito),

Another aunty: (faces driver in yoruba), your conductor was too hard on the woman, una know say una seat no long, yet una go dey park people inside.

Bus Driver: iyalaya e, if you know say you no like am, why you enter inside? (typical of Lagos drivers to do shakara like this because they know Lagosians will always enter their vehicles no matter how skewed they are).

Bus Driver: SO na why she come curse am?

Another aunty: When him go dey run mouth like woman

Me: Driver die die (Yoruba word for small small or take it easy) abeg drive small small o (because at this time, he starting driving in a weird way, when he was too busy arguing to put his eyes on the road, me wey one reach where I dey go in one piece)

The yellow aunty alighted along the road and when she came down, the conductor started doing catcalls and hollering at her, you know that irritating thing Lagos conductors do at passengers they just had a fight with? (my Lagos people wee understand).

Bus conductors and the word, "Ashawo" are like 5 and 6

Apparently, both the driver and the other aunty were vexed with each other and the driver kept talking and talking in yoruba, more like his own craze just started and when we (the passengers) couldn't bear it anymore, we told him to calm down and keep quiet that when the yellow aunty was around, why didn't he say anything?  A man in the bus spoke for the first time and told the conductor he went too far as to start insulting the woman and to keep responding to her and all that, the conductor was still trying to claim right, when another passenger shut him up, it became a free for all, as everybody was just, "Paraing." Passengers who came in after the yellow aunty had left were looking at us like, "What's stronging these people?" (they wouldn't understand now, would they?)

Me, I just jejely told the conductor, "That's how you have carry curse this early morning, hmmmm."

When we got to Orile, the driver brought his head out of the window and called the other aunty, Ashawo, in traffic o, me that was jejely coming down, because I told him to take it easy, I got my own share of the popular Ashawo syndrome.

As if that was not enough, after coming down at my junction in Surulere, the wind became heavy and was almost carrying a big aunty like me up, me, I just said angel Gabriel, take my leg, angel Michael,take my bag and lead me to my destination o, the breeze wasn't smiling at all. It looked like God didn't like the noise in the atmosphere and sent that breeze to pursue people for some calm and it worked as everyone was running helter skelter for safety, then the rain came like it was about to end the world.

Chai, my morning has never been this eventful.

NB, yours truly was soaked to the skin and every every, in just 10 minutes, Oh Lord take the wheels of my body o.

That brings me to the question, have you ever been called Ashawo by either a bus driver or conductor before? how did you react? what did you do? Tell us your story in the comment section. I want to know.


Have a cool day fam.